Bridal Blow Ups, or Temper Tantrums

I can honestly say, now that my wedding is 10 effing weeks away and almost everything is done, that I was not a true bride until this week.  Monday morning, I freaked out.  I freaked out about the invitations, which are being made by FMIL (future-mother-in-law).  Then I freaked out about flowers.  Then I freaked out about the hair appointment.  Then I freaked out about Lord only knows what.  All I know is that at some point I realized that it is almost over, that I have to make any changes I want to make now, that it’s too late for a lot of changes, that I may have compromised too much to make other people happy and that the wedding I am having is not actually MY wedding.

Today, I received a call from my aunt who owns a bridal shop telling me that the alterations lady is having some serious personal problems and that she needed me to do my alterations appointment tomorrow, three weeks early.  My mother drove me past the shower location which is a club house in a community that just happens to be a trailer park.  These two things combined pushed me right over the edge.  I cried.  I cried and wrote my two best bridesmaids.  I took a nap, then talked to the fiance and cried.  Then my mother wrote me about how bad she feels about the shower and I knew it didn’t matter and I reassured her and felt bad for making her feel bad.  Then I got a call about the seamstress having an emergency and not being able to make tomorrow, how everything is very touch and go right now, and I felt bad for being so whiny about it because obviously she is having a much harder time than me.

Do you remember being little and throwing fit?  Do you remember how you would cry and yell and feel horrible for yourself until you’re all cried out.  Then you get all tired and you feel bad for everyone else and you just feel miserable for being so miserable?  That’s where I’m at now.  Being a bride is a lot like being a spoiled little girl.

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June/July Challenges: Wrap Up and Wind Up

June:

Holy crap.  I get a D for the month.  I actually think that I FORGOT about challenges.  First,  quit dieting.  There went the whole following Weight Watchers thing.  After about a week of trying to master the 100 workout, I decided that I effing hate jumping jacks and would rather not do another one for the rest of my life.  I worked hard on the pushups until about a week ago when I realized that they were probably what was giving me legitimate chest and neck pain.  A week later, my neck is better but I’ve discovered that the chest stuff is probably from stress.

I’d like to think of June this was, though:  I was flexible, which I usually am not.  I would say that for the first time since I was 12 I have successfully quit dieting.  And guess what!  I haven’t gained an ounce!  I don’t obsess over food!  It’s so nice.  It really is.  Instead of doing the 100 workout, I took up the Walk Away the Pounds 6 week breakout program and I feel so much better at the end of a workout.  I may not have completed my challenges, I may have failed miserably at some of them, but I would say that I have had the most personal growth this month because of that.

Now ONWARDS!

July:

As the wedding grows closer, I want to make sure that I am taking care of myself and I think that a large part of that is going to be making sure I don’t overdo it.  Example:  Yesterday I woke up thinking I was having a heart attack and only got about 4 hours of sleep.  I called in.  I spent the day making myself calm down and relax and do some of the things I legitimately wanted to do.  By the end of the day I felt, well, I felt normal.  It felt good to feel normal.  I slept through the night for the first time in a long time.  This morning I’ve already started stressing and caught myself and handled it.  I asked myself what I was worrying about and then I thought about the worst case scenario and it wasn’t that bad.  I can handle this.  But I am going to take it kind of easy on myself next month.

Challenge 1: Complete an Instagram photo challenge.  I have tried to do this twice now and I never make it.  I really really want to finish one.

Challenge 2: Let’s talk about reading.  In my life there are lots of ways that I do things.  I have systems, lists, routines.  Some of these things make sense and others only do some of the time.  Right now I have a stack of about 30 books in my “To Be Read” pile.  That’s a lot of books and a lot of them are from the library.  I am pursuing all sorts of things: financial books, a series, Nick Hornby, Faulkner, short classics, a list of the best YA books of the 20th century, a giant list of my own making.  What I do is take the top book off the pile and order the next book in that run.  When the book comes, it goes on the bottom of the stack.  There are a lot of books that I own in there too so I try not to waver from the stack except for with the series.  I try to blow through those.

SO, for July I am going to break my system.  When I finish a book, I will start the next book that is DUE.  I can still order the next book but my hope is that I can get through some of the random rubbish I’ve picked up and make my stack a bit lower and less stressful.  Really, books are a large part of my fear of death because I know that I can never read them all.

I can’t wait to start and I am GLAD June went the way that it did.

Cats are Strange

I am a cat lady and while I have avoided fessing up to it here, it’s time.  I made an observation this morning…

Yesterday I had to be to work an hour and a half early for a staff meeting.  Instead of getting up early and going through my usual morning routine (mostly because there was wedding drama and thus Southern Comfort the night before), I did what I always do and got up at my normal time, showered, checked my Farmville, and left.  (The fiance always find this confusing.  “Where are you going again?” he asks, still mostly asleep in bed.  The correct answer was McDonalds but I just said work.)  In this heavily altered morning, I skipped a number of things.  I didn’t work out.  I didn’t journal.  I didn’t clean the kitty litter.  This morning I had completely forgotten about the meeting and was really confused by the missing day in my journal.  Even more confusing was the litter.

We have three cats and two boxes.  Now, that’s not the right ratio but it seems to work and we DO have a fussy cat that will pee the bed if the litter is not to her liking.  That is a rarity.  It’s like a, “We’re dog sitting and she’s too afraid to go to the litter” kind of thing or maybe a “You mean I haven’t cleaned the litter all weekend?” kind of thing.  I am very good about keeping up with it, mostly because she is a bedwetter.  Anyway, I went to clean the litter this morning and one box was untouched.  The other was destroyed.  W?T?H?

Cats are kind of like that, though.

Our cats are Delilah, who was hit by a car and has all kinds of rods and stuff in her hind legs, Midget, the crazy ninja torti who is also too smart for her own good, and Antonio, who is very handsome and very sweet but not too bright.  Now, there is a dynamic around here that it completely our own.  All of the cats love each other.  They all sleep together and bathe each other and play.  But we have decided that Delilah is the ring leader and the other two take care of things she can’t.

This week, Midget most likely frightened a fish to death.  The scary part was that she figured out that there was a little whole for feeding in the top of the tank and she would literally just sit with her nose in it, like she knew that was how to get to the fish.  Midget also destroyed the beautiful potted flower the future father in law got me for my birthday.  Twice.  My office is covered in soil.  And for the most part I just accept that this is my fate.

Mind Your Own Business

We could call this the “if I wanted your opinion I’d beat it out of you” post.

There is a person in my life who I have always looked up to and have always shared with.  When I was trying to buy my house, I showed her pictures.  When I chose my gown, I took her to the website.  I let her in on whatever diet I might be trying at the time and now with my nondiet.  Sometimes she offers great advice and support.  Other times I get helpful comments like these:

“Wow.  That house is trashy.”  (I bought it.  When I bought it she said, “You know how I feel about that house.”)

“It’s NOT a Maggie!  You know they make the best gowns.”  (As a matter of fact, I do because I worked in bridal.  However, this is MY gown.)

The latest one is what got me, though.  I mentioned that I had a scone for breakfast because my mother made one for me and it was awesome.  I was attempting to convey that my mother makes great scones.  I was met with, “How is that working for your diet?”  I replied with, “I’m not on a diet.”  To which she replied, “That’s right.  I forgot.  You gave up.”

Um…. No.  I did not give up.  I decided to live my life instead of counting counting counting.

I wish that I could tell her to mind her own business but I know just as well as you know that sharing is really just inviting people into your business.  Still, it amazes me that so few women know that other women usually just want someone to listen.

Do you have someone in your life like that?  Someone who you love to share with most of the time but who occasionally offers biting opinions?

Indecision

I’ve had one of those mornings that are just ripe with indecision…

First, my new fish died yesterday and we are disgusting enough to just leave him in his tank on top of the entertainment center for a full day before one of us gives in and takes care of it.  Coconut Pete was purchased just Friday.  Midget, my ninja cat, is very heartbroken by the whole thing.  She LOVED Coconut Pete.  That may be why his dead, actually.  I spent most of the morning debating whether or not to get a new fish.  I like having fish around and Midget keeps sitting by the empty tank and sighing.  Looked around online and found that it was probably poor water quality which is really no surprise.  Still, that doesn’t help with the decision any.

Then there is a project I’ve been meaning to take on in the yard.  I put in a flower bed last year and all of the dirt I dug up is still in a pile in the front yard.  When I had 30 min left before I had to leave this morning I thought about maybe going out and working on it.   But then I’d have to change because I’m wearing a dress and a white cardigan.  But I didn’t want to change.  Then I thought it might just be alright.  I mean, I couldn’t get too dirty, right?  And that’s why I’m always doing stupid things.

Book Review- Beautiful Redemption by Kami Garcia

I always have a hard time with series. There’s this fine line. Part of the time I feel like the author is searching and stretching, trying to make the books longer than they need to be. Other times I feel like I am on a journey with old friends. You get to know the characters in a way that you just can’t with a stand alone.

I am so glad that I made time for this series. The world that I have lived in off and on for the past two months has been glorious. It makes me want to do nothing more than sit on the front porch devouring books and drinking sweet tea.

If you recall, when we left Ethan last he was dead. Or, at least, we assumed he was dead because he jumped off of a water tower. When we pick up this book we see that he is, indeed, dead. At least he is with his mother in a house much like Wate’s Landing but located in the cemetery. (Honestly, the use of the cemetery was one of my favorite bits.) We get to see Aunt Prue again, who is one of my favorites. But there is sadness and confusion too because everyone knows that Ethan is not supposed to be dead.

When Ethan learns that one of the keepers on the council has been changing the Caster Chronicles, he sets off on a quest to save his own life. All he knows is that he must find a way to change his page in the book and get back to Lena. A whole new cast of characters come to us. We get to meet the Greats, who sit on the porch playing cards and eating pie. We meet the River Master and Xavier. All of these characters are endearing to us. Ethan is a gentleman and his heart is true and it always seems to bring him out on top with other… beings.

I did love this series. I loved it a lot and I suggest it to people every chance I get. The best part is that the ending fits and we all know that’s important.

The Reality of Things

Every year is the same.  My birthday comes and I seem to think that at midnight I will turn into some kind of magical being with poise and the ability to do it all with a smile on my face.  Then you give me a day or two and I realize that I am the same old Rachael doing the same old things.  This morning I walked the neighborhood as my workout.  I thought that it would do me good to get outside.  I read a study once that said 15 minutes outside a day builds confidence and makes you happier.  I don’t think it worked because about half a mile into my walk I just wanted to get home so I could flip out properly and in a not so public way.

Why am I so stressed out?  I don’t rightly know.  I know that the house is a mess and the laundry needs washed because we were busy all weekend.  I know that I want to spend some time in the yard and that we still haven’t cleaned up from the party.  I know that the future father-in-law is going into surgery today and gave us way too much food to take home so that it wouldn’t go bad and I feel like I can’t waste any of it.  I know that the fiance’s car is acting up and I have to leave over an hour early for work tomorrow so we can drop it at the shop.  I know that today is the first day of Summer Reading, the children’s librarian’s busiest 7 weeks of the year.  I know that the cats keep trying to break into our new fish’s aquarium and that one of them tore up my birthday plant and that another one missed the litter completely this morning and one of them keeps drinking nasty brewing water.  I know that tomorrow night the fiance expects to bottle.  I know that my debit card has not been replaced yet and in the meantime I need water softener salt and cigarettes.  (Dear Lord, do I need cigarettes right now.)  I know that there is a pile of movies waiting to be watched and a pile of books waiting to be read and that the Southern Comfort sitting on the counter is looking better and better as the morning wears on.  I know that last night I tossed and turned for over an hour because I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the stuff I want to do and all of the stuff I need to do and all of the stuff I have to do.

How do you deal with stress?  What is the perfect balance of dealing with attitude versus dealing with the to-do list?