Your Biggest Fears

It’s been a hell of a week, so forgive me if I have been less than consistent or entertaining.

It started on Monday.  I have a bit of an issue with my mortality sometimes and it causes me to wake up in the middle of the night and have panic attacks, sometimes horribly full on ones that leave me sitting up, trying to catch my breath for hours.  Hubby watched a pretty violent movie before bed on Sunday while I read but I couldn’t help but have that thought which was the kiss of death.  “I bet I’ll get all upset about death tonight.”  I don’t really know if that was what triggered it.  I went to bed at 11 and woke up at about 2 and spent the next four hours on the edge of a panic attack, trying to calm myself down.

The first half of the week was kind of like that.  I had super crappy thoughts that just kept popping up.  Simple as this:  Hubby hasn’t been feeling well lately so he’s been quiet and tired and because the couple in the book I was listening to were having affairs my brain decided that Hubby is obviously having an affair.  You know, in that hour he has before I get home at night.  OR, and this was the worst, at one point my brain latched onto the phrase “undeserving of love” and attached to me.  That was a rough day.

But, as usual, I started to get a grip on Wednesday.  When we got the snow storm.  It wasn’t really a surprise.  The real surprise was that the road commission decided it didn’t need to plow or salt because it was just going to be 52 in two days.  Seriously.  I did not see a single plow as I traipsed across the county on crappy roads in a Mustang.  Now, I am pretty good at this.  So fair I’ve driven a Firebird, a Stealth, and two Mustangs in the winter with very little incident.  Wednesday was legitimately the worst driving of my life.  When I went to head up to my very rural library, the main road was… well, it wasn’t there at all.  No road.  No tracks.  At least in some places there were still banks higher than my car to guide me.  Top that with white outs.  They actually sent us all home an hour early because they didn’t want us to get stuck in the dark.

Thursday I got stuck.  First time in over 5 years.  It was my own fault.  I decided that I would be a team player and actually not part in the lot at work (which we are not allowed to do but I do anyway when I know I’ll get stuck).  Team playing was not the right move.  How many librarians does it take to unstick a car?  3.  BTW, my new Mustang is way heavier than my old Mustang.

Then there was yesterday.  It was a beautiful day.  I had a nice time at work.  I went home and took a nap and got up just in time to get ready for our dinner out with Hubby’s old coworkers.  We had a nice time.  We had some nice beer.  (Just, go get some Bell’s Midwest Pale Ale, ok?  You’ll thank me later.)  And then we ended up in the ER.  Everyone is okay but you can imagine how scary that is.  Because, believe it or not, I love the crap out of Hubby and I worry about him a lot.  And being in the ER with him really brought back a lot of not awesome hospital history.

Now it is Saturday and things are going to be fine and things are going to be better next week.

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