Feel All the Feelings!

I don’t really know when my life became an emotional roller coaster.  I don’t really remember waking up one day and being like, “You know?  I should feel feelings and feeling feelings should make me feel even more feelings.”  But it happened.  And on this side of last year’s drag out war with depression, I cannot believe how much I used to take on that wasn’t my own.  Like, I seriously used to be like, “I am strong enough for everybody!  Give me all of your hurts and I will swallow them!  I’m Polish!  I can eat anything!”

But lately I’ve pretty much gotten sick of everyone else’s shit.  Because that’s what a lot of it is.

For instance, there is absolutely no reason to text someone at midnight on a Monday night/Tuesday morning because you want to talk about how fat you think you are.  Friday?  Saturday?  Totally cool.  Nobody wants to be woken up to be invited to a pity fest.  And the following day I will text you when my alarm goes off so be prepared.  This was actually a rough one for me.  I’ve been working really hard on accepting my body and rejecting society’s standards.  I pretty much just ended up mad.  I knew what was needed from me but I did not want to give it.  I just felt, all of a sudden, like it was too much.

Or, this one.  Today I told someone that the equinox was at 12:57.  The person I was talking to gave me an annoyed look and said, “And what does that matter?”  Okay, okay.  I get that this has been a hell of a winter here in the high-five state.  I know that we are all sick of it and we woke up to a dusting of snow this morning, just enough to make the roads slick.  I know that the road commission has actually given up.  We’re all bummed and ready for some sun and some warm air.  BUT, don’t you think the fact that I looked up the exact time means that it means something to me.  And it does.  I have so much relying on this spring that I need to work out.  Hubby and I both went outside at 12:57 today, him at work and me at home.  It means that much to us.

When i woke up this morning I felt so much better than I had yesterday and I made a decision.  I decided to go into the world fresh faced this morning.  I would put the past behind me and meet everything like I was meeting it for the first time.  I held no bitter feelings about past hurts and I took no leftover frustrations with me.  I enjoyed the people around me so much more and I felt the kind of gratitude that I hadn’t felt in a long time.  When a sad song came on, I didn’t cry because I was thinking of something that happened weeks ago and really hurt me.  I don’t want to carry around all of this anger and bitterness anymore.

But it’s so hard, you guys.  It’s hard because I am surrounded by people who never let things go.  I don’t always want to dig up graveyard dirt.

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