I don’t really know when my life became an emotional roller coaster. I don’t really remember waking up one day and being like, “You know? I should feel feelings and feeling feelings should make me feel even more feelings.” But it happened. And on this side of last year’s drag out war with depression, I cannot believe how much I used to take on that wasn’t my own. Like, I seriously used to be like, “I am strong enough for everybody! Give me all of your hurts and I will swallow them! I’m Polish! I can eat anything!”
But lately I’ve pretty much gotten sick of everyone else’s shit. Because that’s what a lot of it is.
For instance, there is absolutely no reason to text someone at midnight on a Monday night/Tuesday morning because you want to talk about how fat you think you are. Friday? Saturday? Totally cool. Nobody wants to be woken up to be invited to a pity fest. And the following day I will text you when my alarm goes off so be prepared. This was actually a rough one for me. I’ve been working really hard on accepting my body and rejecting society’s standards. I pretty much just ended up mad. I knew what was needed from me but I did not want to give it. I just felt, all of a sudden, like it was too much.
Or, this one. Today I told someone that the equinox was at 12:57. The person I was talking to gave me an annoyed look and said, “And what does that matter?” Okay, okay. I get that this has been a hell of a winter here in the high-five state. I know that we are all sick of it and we woke up to a dusting of snow this morning, just enough to make the roads slick. I know that the road commission has actually given up. We’re all bummed and ready for some sun and some warm air. BUT, don’t you think the fact that I looked up the exact time means that it means something to me. And it does. I have so much relying on this spring that I need to work out. Hubby and I both went outside at 12:57 today, him at work and me at home. It means that much to us.
When i woke up this morning I felt so much better than I had yesterday and I made a decision. I decided to go into the world fresh faced this morning. I would put the past behind me and meet everything like I was meeting it for the first time. I held no bitter feelings about past hurts and I took no leftover frustrations with me. I enjoyed the people around me so much more and I felt the kind of gratitude that I hadn’t felt in a long time. When a sad song came on, I didn’t cry because I was thinking of something that happened weeks ago and really hurt me. I don’t want to carry around all of this anger and bitterness anymore.
But it’s so hard, you guys. It’s hard because I am surrounded by people who never let things go. I don’t always want to dig up graveyard dirt.