Wow. I owe you guys a couple of entries and some explanations. Somehow I have managed to fall super especially far behind this week and that’s no good because I am off to Ohio for the weekend directly after work on Friday. What happened? What happened indeed. Plus, I think I may have been super way evasive about some stuff.
If you recall, I read a great book on happiness not too long ago and it encouraged me to write a wish list and develop goals and seize the day in general. Well, it has long been a dream of mine to buy a big old house and fix it up and make it my 0wn but still be steeped in history. Hubby has argued previously that we live in Michigan and nothing is really that historic. He’s argued that he doesn’t want a big house and that he wants a new house, not a crappy old one. But in my recent misery, he assured me that I could have what I wanted, that we could make it work whatever it was and that was exactly what I needed to hear.
I set myself to the task of living the life I want and doing it right now.
I pushed myself to make work more exciting. I pushed myself to take time for the things I want. Reading, writing, playing the banjo. I started thinking about my dreams, what I really want and who I really want to be, regardless of what other people think I should and shouldn’t be doing.
Well, back in the fall Hubby and I looked at a house about 10 miles north of where we currently live. And, dear readers, it was exciting and beautiful and completely and utterly fucked. Upon glancing around the internet this weekend, I found that the price had dropped to $15,000. Seriously. Less than my car. Now, I should explain, this house is 5000 square feet, Victorian, three stories, 10 bedrooms. It could be awesome. It was a hospital and a convent. It’s had a really hard life, though. It needs a lot.
The happiest I have been lately has been when I was thinking about the house, what we would do to it, how great it could be. Even Hubby started talking about it as “our house” and talking about things we could do if we got it. We went to look at it again last night and… it’s not right. It’s not the house. I felt, at first, embarrassed by this revelation. I was so very excited to take on this dream of mine. But, lo, it is not to be at this time. I was so adamant about wanting it. But the truth is that I have to allow myself space in this new life that I am building. I have to accept that things may change, that I may not actually want the things that I think I want and that it is still okay to go off on my romantic tangents.
That doesn’t mean that I’ve given up, just that I am moving on.